8.10.2011

Worry

Worry has become like a virus.  One of those nasty, clinging viruses where there is no medicine that alleviates it.  Worry is infecting the crannies of my mind, immobilizing decision making and turning ordinary daily tasks into overwhelming challenges.  I wake up with the sense of worry and dread.  I worry my way through the day, and find myself by six in the evening exhausted from all the ruminations.  It feels that meditating on God's Word has done nothing.  I can barely focus on His words before my mind wanders into worries yet again.  Reading God's Word is about the same.  My mind wanders and frets and will not be still.  Sleeping is next to impossible.  Each night I lay awake asking God to settle my mind and grant me the peace He promised.  And yet I still worry and cannot fall asleep until after one in the morning.  

Then I had a thought this morning.  I worry because it gives me control.  Right now nothing is for certain it seems.  I don't know what will happen with graduate school.  I must apply for admission, must apply for scholarships and then wait for some graduate review board somewhere out there, filled with people I've never met to decide whether I will or will not continue my education.  I don't know what will happen with our jobs right now.  I don't know when God will bless us with a family.  I don't know when I will ever live near family again.  I don't know if I'm really supposed to be doing any of this stuff.  So worrying has become my only control and certainty in life right now.  

Sigh.  Worry has become like a virus for me.

"Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~ Matthew 6: 31-34

2 comments:

  1. I've decided that all I can do is trust God that this is where I'm supposed to be, and that is His plan. It's funny how some time down the road things become clearer!

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  2. The part about having control - I know exactly what you mean. Same thing happened to me when attempting to sell a house (actually happens to me all the time, but that was the most vivid for me). But faith is letting go of what you cannot control or do not have the answers for, and trusting that someone bigger than you, smarter than you has the answers and won't let you fall. :)

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